sybarites

*not to be confused with Ladyboy.

Q: I am visiting Thailand and I am wondering, how many people is too many to transport on one scooter?
A: A maximum number has yet to be determined.  Currently, the number to beat is six, including one infant in arms.

Q: Whilst driving, I noticed that the traffic lights at intersections change rather infrequently;  just how long does a red light last in Bangkok?
A: A red light in Bangkok can last anywhere from 6 minutes to two years.  It is longer if you are sitting on the sunny side of a crowded, non-AC bus.

Q:  When I am in Thailand, where can I buy a T-shirt?
A:  Everywhere, always, for ever and ever, amen.  There is no corner that you will turn, no shop by which you will pass, no island remote enough or beach empty enough that you will not find someone from whom to buy a T-shirt.  Nowhere is safe from the T-shirt sellers.

Q: What is “ABF”?
A: ABF is an acronym for American breakfast.  Many places that offer accommodation for tourists boast an inclusive ABF.  In its most basic form, an ABF includes orange drink, 2 cooked eggs, toast, pad thai and fuscia meat.

Q: What is “fuscia meat”?
A: Fuscia meat is a spongy, meat flavoured substance in the shape of a tube which is served as part of any good ABF and which tastes remotely of hot dog. Its exact contents remain, blessedly, unknown.

Q: While relaxing on a beach, I sometimes like to fall asleep.  But how can I continue shopping while enjoying a pleasant mid-afternoon nap?

A: Rest assured that you will not be asleep for long. The thoughtful people who walk the beach selling various merchandise will be sure to wake you up to see if you wish to buy a book, a beer, a massage or a T-shirt.

Q: While in Thailand, I’m interested in experiencing something new and potentially uncomfortable: what is the quickest route to back pain?
A:  The quickest route to short-term back pain involves a visit to Wat Po and the payment of twelve Canadian dollars.  After viewing the largest reclining Buddha in the country, visit the building in the back for an hour’s worth of Thai massage.  Put yourself in the hands of a student of this discipline as he or she uses his/her elbows, knees, feet and chin to find, expose and force into submission every stiff muscle you didn’t know you had.  Enjoy.

Q: As a tourist in Bangkok, how do I find and eat a meal composed entirely of street food?

A: Step 1: Visit Khaosan road, also known as the place where everyone with a bad sunburn or the potential to receive a bad sunburn gathers to shop for cheap goods and cold beer.
Step 2: Stop in at the 7/11 for your first, cold, 630ml beer.  You can lash out and buy a Heineken for 80 bhat ($2CAD) or stick to the cheapest option, Chang beer, for 50 bhat ($1.25CAD).
Step 3:  Find one of the stands that serves meat popsicles.  Point at a couple of skewers of beef and/or chicken on display and watch as your selections are BBQ’d to crispy deliciousness.  Pay 20 bhat and order two more as you stand ravenously devouring the first two.  Conveniently, the meat popsicle can be eaten with one hand, thereby leaving your other hand free for beer-related duties.
Step 4: Walk down to one end of the street while enjoying your beer.  Turn 180 degrees and start the stroll up to the opposite end.  Repeat, as necessary, for the remainder of the evening.
Step 5: Finish your first beer.
Step 6: When you feel peckish, stop at one of the stands serving pad thai, BBQ corn on the cob, fruit, rice, popcorn, etc..  Request “one” and watch its quick preparation.
Step 7: Find another beer before you start to forget your first!
Step 8: Repeat Steps 3, 6 & 7 several more times.
Step 9: When your feet become tired, find a sidewalk bar, which is literally some guy with a booth, some liquor and a few chairs set up on the sidewalk.  Enjoy almost any cocktail you can imagine for 80 bhat.

Q: What is the statute of limitations for exploiting a movie’s filming location?
A:  Unknown.  One contender for “Best and Longest Exploitation of a Movie Location” is James Bond Island, for its appearance in a movie in 1974.  33 years and no sign of respite.  The newest location in Thailand to experience similar attention is Maya beach on Koh Phi Phi Leh, also known as “The Beach”.  About 10 years have passed since the making of that film and this beach will almost certainly surpass the legendary status of its predecessor.

Q: When visiting a beach in Thailand, what is an appropriate snack to bring for the monkeys who live there?
A: An appropriate snack for the monkeys is “nothing”.   A completely inappropriate snack is sour-orange-flavoured mentos.  Amazingly, a tourist from Norway was actually witnessed bringing this inappropriate snack to a beach in order to feed and get close to the wild monkeys.  How or why she conceived of this idea is a mystery.

Q: What is the stupidest tattoo that a person can get while on vacation?
A:  There are so many contenders for this honour that a winner is hard to determine.  However, the best one in recent memory is the “I’m with Stupid” tattoo on the chest of one man whose best friend has the tattoo “I’m with Dickhead”.  There is hope that they were henna tattoos.

Q: As a tourist in Thailand, how can I earn a bucket of rye, Red Bull and Coke?
A: That’s easy!  Volunteer to participate in a Thai boxing match in a tourist bar!  Approach the man carrying the sign that reads “Free bucket for volunteer fighter” and ask to be outfitted with boxing gear so that you can fight another tourist in the ring set up inside the bar.   Win or lose, you earn a bucket, my friend.
Note: Thai boxing has no restrictions on the fighting moves.

This entry was posted on Sunday, January 7th, 2007 at 3:32 am by Marc and is filed under Travel. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.